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Post by gypsygirl on Feb 21, 2008 15:52:28 GMT 1
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips, he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
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Post by RichieRich on Feb 21, 2008 23:10:28 GMT 1
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Post by RichieRich on Feb 27, 2008 22:55:02 GMT 1
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Post by gypsygirl on Mar 15, 2008 19:42:54 GMT 1
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
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Post by gypsygirl on Mar 15, 2008 22:32:12 GMT 1
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....
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Post by Marf on Mar 16, 2008 20:52:53 GMT 1
Love that Allsorts one ;D
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Post by gypsygirl on Apr 24, 2008 18:23:28 GMT 1
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’How does that feel’?
He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’
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Post by snoozyboozy on May 1, 2008 12:16:21 GMT 1
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out today.'
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fluff
Senior Member
ROCK N ROLL ON WELFARE
Posts: 66
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Post by fluff on May 1, 2008 19:02:14 GMT 1
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fluff
Senior Member
ROCK N ROLL ON WELFARE
Posts: 66
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Post by fluff on May 7, 2008 22:42:53 GMT 1
UPSSSS A DAISEY, SORE SUBJECT, YES I KNOW HES A SICK BAS***D BUT LIGHTEN UP FOR F**KS SAKE, INTERBRED I BOUGHT A BOOK TODAY , DIARY OF AN AUSTRIAN GIRL, ITS A BIT BORING ....... MONDAY...STAYED IN TUESDAY...STAYED IN WEDNESDAY...STAYED IN
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Post by RichieRich on May 8, 2008 20:16:34 GMT 1
GROAN!
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Post by RichieRich on May 8, 2008 20:17:42 GMT 1
Here' one for ya, 100% true ....
1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine. 2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating an apple. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong! 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones. 37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.
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Post by RichieRich on May 8, 2008 20:19:29 GMT 1
Re:32 - I have actually got a fookin stick to stir paint with! Sad? Not me ........
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Post by Marf on May 9, 2008 19:31:21 GMT 1
So very true ;D
but.. no.1 what kinda mole are talkin here?
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Post by RichieRich on May 9, 2008 20:10:29 GMT 1
Little furry things, wear Harry Potter glasses, dig holes in your garden ... (I think)
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