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Post by soulstripper on Jan 18, 2008 11:56:59 GMT 1
a jewish woman says to her mother "im divorcing Ralphie, all he ever wants is anal sex and my arsehole is now the size of a 50p piece when it used to be the size of a 5p" mother says "you are married to a multi millionaire, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, and you take 6 holidays a year!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU WANT TO THROW ALL THAT AWAY FOR 45p ?"
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Post by RichieRich on Jan 18, 2008 13:16:11 GMT 1
Two tourists are driving through North Wales. As they approach Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwillantsiliogogogoch, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one tourist asks the blonde employee; "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us ? Would you please pronounce where we are ..... very slowly ? The blonde girl leans over the counter and says; "Burrrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing."
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Post by snoozyboozy on Jan 28, 2008 15:27:27 GMT 1
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Post by RichieRich on Jan 29, 2008 0:13:25 GMT 1
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Post by snoozyboozy on Feb 6, 2008 20:04:26 GMT 1
TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long athletic legs, "real" big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Post by RichieRich on Feb 11, 2008 22:29:08 GMT 1
Man is merely a naked ape...right?
So, start with a cage containing five apes.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
Because that's the way they've always done it, and that's the way it's always been done around here!
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Post by highvoltage on Feb 11, 2008 22:36:49 GMT 1
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Post by RichieRich on Feb 13, 2008 20:44:10 GMT 1
Yeah, but think about it HV ... it would actually work like that wouldn't it?! ;D
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Post by gypsygirl on Feb 13, 2008 21:47:20 GMT 1
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day he'd jog past a hooker on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she would shout from the curb. "No! five pounds!" he would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurence. He'd run by and she'd shout "one hundred and fifty pounds!", and he'd shout back "No! Five pounds!" One day Camilla decided she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the couple neared the working womans' corner, Charles realised that she'd bark her "£150" offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on his
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Post by gypsygirl on Feb 13, 2008 21:54:04 GMT 1
(Whoops did'nt mean to do that) cont'd, past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged nearer to the corner he became very apprehensive. Sure enough there was the hooker, he tried to avoid the prostitutes' eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds you tight bastard!"
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Post by gypsygirl on Feb 13, 2008 22:09:21 GMT 1
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to ask for their help. A few days later he gets a parcel with a note.......... Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head & with your wooden leg you'll be just right. He thinks this is terrible as it emphasizes his disability so he complains. A week later he gets another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and the bald head will look the part. Now he's furious as they've gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he sends a really rude letter of complaint. Next week he gets a letter. Dear Sir, Please find a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple!
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Post by highvoltage on Feb 14, 2008 0:22:40 GMT 1
Pleeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz gypsy - am peein ma pants!!!! COOOOOOOL!!! I got a joke..... hold on!!!!!
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Post by snoozyboozy on Feb 14, 2008 12:03:45 GMT 1
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Post by snoozyboozy on Feb 14, 2008 12:59:36 GMT 1
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday
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Post by RichieRich on Feb 14, 2008 21:33:36 GMT 1
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