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Post by rock muzik rocks on Mar 2, 2007 15:08:05 GMT 1
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - £250
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy "Dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have football boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "£750" Man "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
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Post by arry on Mar 2, 2007 19:16:11 GMT 1
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Post by maz on Mar 2, 2007 20:05:43 GMT 1
Panic over Bernard Matthews is only Killing young birds with firm breasts So you can relax
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Post by maz on Mar 3, 2007 11:56:36 GMT 1
Farmer giles gets a phone call from his farm hand. I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive.... Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury him... Get another phone call.. Done that, what should i do wiht his fucking speed camera?
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Post by arry on Mar 3, 2007 15:14:11 GMT 1
;D
i ve just bought the missus a new belt and a bag as a pressie..................the hoover works perfect now
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Post by maz on Mar 3, 2007 15:24:55 GMT 1
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Post by maz on Apr 8, 2007 21:58:29 GMT 1
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum When he hears a loud chanting "thirteen! thirteen!thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's ward The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence it's not long before he finds a small crack so he leans forward and peers in instantly someone jabs him in the eye as he reels back in agony the chanting continues "fourteen! fourteen! fourteen!"
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Post by maz on Apr 9, 2007 20:53:26 GMT 1
A man wake up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, "Doctor! Doctor! i can't feel my legs" The doctor comes over to the poor chap's bedside and says, "of course you can't. i've amputated both your arms"
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Post by maz on Apr 24, 2007 22:21:27 GMT 1
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche."
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Post by Marf on Apr 24, 2007 22:39:35 GMT 1
i reckon he knew exactly what he was doin haha
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Post by maz on Apr 24, 2007 23:07:54 GMT 1
Things The Wife Doesn'T Use A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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Post by morrida1 on Apr 28, 2007 20:16:17 GMT 1
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport. 2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport. 3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport. 4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles. 5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles 6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles 7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles 8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles 9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles 10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles 11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles 12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles 13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles 14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles 15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles 16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles 17.Arrive at the centre of town. . . . . . . . . . . . . Now that's the f*****g way to Amarillo!
PS Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Thought of the day is:
Beware of Chuckles on motorbikes!!!!
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Post by maz on May 4, 2007 13:02:58 GMT 1
Why did god invent orgasms for women?
So they can still have a fucking moan even when they're enjoying themselves
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Post by maz on May 22, 2007 11:37:40 GMT 1
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
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Post by maz on May 22, 2007 11:39:00 GMT 1
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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2 lovers go 2 the mountains 4 a romantic break, after chopping wood he says my hands are freezing, she says, put them between my thighs 2 warm up. After lunch he chops more wood and says my hands are really freezing, she says put them between my thighs and warm them up again. After dinner he chops more wood and says my hands are really, really freezing, she yells 4 fucks-sake don't your ears ever get cold....?
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"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the Doctor told his paitient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The concerned fellow said no. "Do you handle any chemicals at work?", "I don't work", Well what do you do all day?" said Doc, "Watch porn and eat wotsits".
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Man in confession box says to priest, "Father I had sex with 7 women last night". Priest says "Go home and drink the juice of 10 lemons". Man says "Will I be forgiven?". "No" says the priest "But it will wipe that fuckin smile off your face!!"
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