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Post by STATTO on Jul 11, 2007 19:22:09 GMT 1
Yep I've returned. Its good to be back............
And here's another......
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, " I have someone for you to meet."
So they met and it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; He was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, But down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences
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Post by angus5041 on Jul 11, 2007 22:01:55 GMT 1
I went to see the nurse for my annual check this morning..She said ` I think you should stop wanking `..` why ? ` i asked...Because i am trying to examine you...........
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Post by snoozyboozy on Jul 12, 2007 9:30:28 GMT 1
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Post by Live/Wire Admin on Jul 12, 2007 10:25:01 GMT 1
I went to see the nurse for my annual check this morning..She said ` I think you should stop wanking `..` why ? ` i asked...Because i am trying to examine you........... I have the ideal solution for this scenario ...... mmmmfff
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Post by snoozyboozy on Jul 12, 2007 10:28:34 GMT 1
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Post by STATTO on Jul 19, 2007 19:05:48 GMT 1
Due to a Government cut back in the armed services, the navy found they had too many NCOs and decided that the best thing to do would be to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for the retirement scheme a bonus of £1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body and the officer could choose which two parts of his body it would be.
The first officer to accept walks into the office and asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He’s measured at six feet and walks out of the office with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asks that he would like to be measured from the tip of his up stretched hands to his toes. He is duly measured and walk out of the office with a bonus of £90,000.
The third officer is a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my thingy to my testicles”.
The pension man takes a step back and tells the chief that he might want to reconsider his decision, explaining that the last two officers had just received nice big cheques, but the old Chief smiles and insists so they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement is taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrives, takes out his tape and instructs the Chief to "drop em" which he does.
The medical officer places the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs thingy and begins to work back.
"My God" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles!?"
The old Chief smiles and replies... "In the Falklands sir”
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Post by STATTO on Jul 26, 2007 18:56:58 GMT 1
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Bugger off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse dung all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
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Post by STATTO on Jul 27, 2007 13:49:52 GMT 1
I went to the opticians this morning. Guess who i bumped into?
Everyone!
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Post by STATTO on Jul 27, 2007 13:50:10 GMT 1
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and Shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit hacked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly hacked off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike...........
......and starts to sing ........."A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
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Post by STATTO on Aug 5, 2007 20:47:12 GMT 1
Whats the easiest thing in the world? A = being a hostage - i could do it with my hands tied behind my back! I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £100. Does anyone think thats too deer?
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Post by STATTO on Aug 15, 2007 20:40:20 GMT 1
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's willy and notices there's a
Nicorette smokers patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your willy.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine right there. I'm down to two butts a day.
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Post by snoozyboozy on Aug 16, 2007 9:09:36 GMT 1
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Post by STATTO on Aug 17, 2007 19:47:23 GMT 1
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Congratulations! You've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "
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Post by Marf on Aug 17, 2007 20:49:41 GMT 1
Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."
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Post by ScottBon on Sept 6, 2007 10:39:19 GMT 1
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
How many elephants have you seen in cherry trees?
Exactly
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